Anna Rae Gwarjanski Portfolio |
There's no one in the Bible I relate to more than Doubting Thomas.
Thomas, one of Jesus’s 12 Apostles, was not present when Jesus first appeared after rising from the dead. When the other disciples told him what they’d seen, Thomas is famous for saying “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe” (John 20:25). Maybe this isn't the typical Easter message, but here's the truth: There's stuff in the Bible that doesn't sit right with me. There's a lot about God that, deep down, I'm a little skeptical about. To be frank, the logical researcher in me has a hard time with the concept of a resurrection, and that's literally the entire point of Christianity. In my teens and early 20s, I was ashamed of that. I was smart enough to memorize all the Sunday school answers, and I could parrot those to anyone who asked, but the fear of sacrilege kept me from really exploring my questions. In elementary school, I tested as “gifted.” (Is that still a thing?) From what I know, being gifted can often be synonymous with being curious. I read the difference between the bright child and the gifted child is that the bright child knows the answers, but the gifted child knows the questions. And that pretty much sums me up: questions. I’ve always had so many questions. It’s why I love books and research and the internet and interviewing people and just learning in general. Unfortunately, those questions don’t stop in academics; they carry over into my spiritual life as well. I wish I could be like those stalwart, obedient Christians who just know. Because I don’t. But the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. I try to be comfortable with the fact that God is beyond all-knowing, and Christianity by definition requires conviction in sights unseen, but it's human to crave certainty. Fortunately, the older I get, the more I understand and believe that Jesus has room for my questions. My prayer for the last, oh, decade has been, "I believe, Lord. Please help my unbelief." I'm thankful that I've been a messy, obstinate student, and He has still invited me into His classroom. I'm thankful He didn't ask me to have all the answers before I stepped in, just that I'd be willing to learn. I'm thankful He accepts me raising my hand an infinity amount of times. I'm thankful He's with me as I learn to not look away from the discomfort of my distrust. I'm thankful that He gives me the courage to sit with it. I'm thankful He continues to reaffirm my doubting faith.
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About the AuthorConfessions of a failed southern lady. I've got messy hair and a thirsty heart. Writer, photographer, career wanderer. Archives
May 2023
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